I am STILL pregnant. Fourty one weeks yesterday and no real signs of the baby making an appearance any time soon. I am massive because the baby is likely massive. If my little baby bun bakes any more I'm actually not sure I'm going to be able to get her out of the oven. I genuinely had a nightmare about someone in a giant pair of oven mitts attacking me with kitchen tongs last night.
I should be relaxing, preparing and nesting. But I'm about as prepared as I'm going to get now, and relaxing and nesting (a.k.a cleaning) are tricky as Duckling is on Easter holidays from nursery and around all day, every day, wanting near constant entertainment. "Come and play Mummy! Come on, pleeeeease!" is a perpetual request, with every game he comes up unfortunately necessitating bending down, crawling about, picking him up or making insane amounts of mess. I can keep him occupied with jigsaws, drawing or TV and a snack for short periods of time, but mostly he just wants to be outside, running about, making roads in his sandpit or digging in the mud and assorted discarded building materials that serve as our garden at the moment. For obvious reasons (sharp nails, rusty screws, broken glass) he can't really be left unsupervised to do this even if he'd let me.
Duckling has always been very Mummy-focussed, but with a new baby on the horizon (he totally gets what's going to happen), his clingyness and attention seeking have reached whole new levels. I understand why, and I try to strike a reasonable balance between reassurance, engagement and boundary setting, but it's bloody hard work, particularly as he now refuses to nap and is a total nightmare of over-tired selective deafness and "pick me uuuuup!" demands after around 3pm, when I'm at my most exhausted and in need of a little cooperation.
I know due dates are pretty arbitrary but I am fed up with being pregnant and heavy and slow and emotional and haemerrhoid afflicted. I am also naturally a little anxious about the birth and the baby too - I don't expect things to go wrong but I lost over a litre of blood last time so I know there's always a chance they might. I am sick of people asking me "any news?" and being vaguely disappointed / amused I haven't produced a baby to the expected timeline (as many people have pointed out "ha ha, you're late for everything!" Yes, I know, ha bloody ha). Or of being told "Ooh, you should aim for the 9th!" or, "well you can't have it today / tomorrow / next week Thursday as we'll be at the zoo / that's my Aunty Mabel's birthday!" I KNOW people are excited and worried in equal measure, and I know it's because they care about me, are keen to meet our new arrival and want everything to be OK. I remember feeling all the same things when my sister was two weeks overdue with her second. I don't blame them at all - but the fact remains I have NO control over this! And no, raspberry leaf tea, curries, pineapple, sex and jumping up and down do not work. I've tried. Not all at the same time though admittedly.
The baby will come. I really don't want to be induced as I'm planning a home birth, but if it becomes clear that it's genuinely medically advisable, I will be. All being well, in a week or two this strange frustrating limbo period will be over; a distant memory, obscured by the immediacy of a newborn. I know, ironically, I will miss the simplicity of just having one comparatively independent three year old. I will miss the relative quiet and freedom, because having two is inevitably going to be considerably harder - a screaming helpless baby AND a likely jealous and clingy pre-schooler? Why am I wishing this time away?! But it has to happen sometime; I can't escape the inevitable forever, and I really do want to meet my little bun. To give her a proper cuddle and relive that process of falling in love all over again. To see what she looks like, learn all about her little quirks and discover if she's going to be as chilled outside of the womb as she seems to be in it (she is so much less fidgety than her brother was). I just hope it happens soon, before my pelvis breaks, and that I can still do it without the need for kitchen tongs.