Wednesday, 7 September 2016

The weirder side of pregnancy

So, here we are. Pregnancy No. 5... Like Mambo No. 5 but with less jumping up and down, fewer Ritas, Tinas and Monicas (they're not baby names we're considering) and definitely no gin and juice. So nothing like it at all really. Must work on my analogies.

Anyway, I am currently ten weeks in and as my last post may have indicated, I feel crap most of the time - sick, tired, headachey and generally grumpy. So far so normal. However, I've also noticed the development of a few weirder symptoms, which, given that I have no mental capacity to write about anything vaguely political or intellectual at the moment, I thought I would share.

First up is the hypersensitivity. Not one I've ever read about, but one that probably makes some evolutionary sense if you think about it - pregnant women needing to avoid danger and all that. Loud noises make me cringe. Unexpected hugs from Drake risk him receiving a swift karate chop to the neck. Uncomfortable knickers are torture. A completely overcast day requires sunglasses. Everyone knows about the sensitive smell thing (keep that beer AWAY from me!) but all the other senses? It's very odd and I fear my colleagues think I've developed some form of PTSD given the regularity with which I jump out my skin as they pop up behind my desk. Just give me some warning guys, OK?!

Then there's the weird throat pressure thing. Now this could just be related to the cold I had at the start of the pregnancy, but every so often I get a sensation like someone is throttling me, which is more than a little disconcerting. Thinking about it, maybe this is related to symptom one...?

Then there're the dreams. My God, the dreams. I've always been prone to odd ones, but my pregnancy dreaming really takes odd to new levels. The relief on waking up this morning to discover my new baby wasn't actually a sachet of tomato ketchup I had accidentally stabbed with a biro while trying to write my name on him/her/it was quite pronounced. No less random and disturbing was the dream in which my sister's ears went green and fell off. Then (stop reading now Drake) there was the one where I was trying to get jiggy with Tinie Tempah at my Nanna's house but kept being interrupted by annoying nieces and nephews wanting me to judge their art work. Though who hasn't been in that situation, right?

Then there's the really obscure symptom - the misreading of words. I don't know if this pregnancy per se or simply exhaustion, but last Thursday I passed our local bookshop and saw "My first book of pest control" in the window, complete with a picture of a smiling cartoon ant. Really? I thought. Seems an unlikely children's book. Before I realised it actually said "My first book of pen control" - a cheery tome to help pre-schoolers learn to write and draw. Obviously. "Is that boy really wearing an Abercrombie and Bitch t-shirt?" I wondered yesterday. (Um, no). "A Cub Scout Jumper Sale? Isn't that a bit niche?" I pondered last week. (JUMBLE Sale woman, JUMBLE!). Very strange...

Finally, I'm pretty sure my leg hair seems to be growing faster. Or maybe it's just because I have less energy to shave. Or indeed cause - the baby making bit being accomplished and the sickness putting a bit of a dampener on the libidos of both parties... Unless Tinie Tempah is involved apparently. Whatever, I definitely seem to be a tad more hairy than usual which is annoying in the current warm skirt-necessitating weather. Bring on autumn I say. And the second trimester. Weird symptoms I can cope with, and on occasion even find amusing. The sickness and bone-aching exhaustion are just grim. Still as my dearest husband keeps assuring me, "feeling awful is a really good sign!" Indeed, though I shall be telling him to jump up and down and move it all around under a bus the next time he says it.

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